Morgenmete is a bi-annual satire journal exploring the absurdity of life through the setting of breakfast.

Media Release: We Cannot Disclose the Percentage of Pulp in this Orange Juice

Media Release: We Cannot Disclose the Percentage of Pulp in this Orange Juice

 Illustration by  Amber Vittoria  

Illustration by Amber Vittoria 

Transcribed and published with permission from Edgar G. Winters, Senior A.M. Legal Advisor, following his most recent public address

Ladies and Gentlemen, members of the press,

For reasons that we cannot disclose at this time, I am unable to reveal the percentage of pulp in the orange juice that was served here this morning.

I recognize that this may come as a disappointment to some of you, however, I must stand firmly behind the premise of section 27 of The Breakfast Act of 1983, which, as amended, does not automatically guarantee patrons the right to knowledge of the percentage of pulp within any given fruit juice simply upon request of access.

By the virtue of subsections 16(1)(a)(v), 12(1)© and 19(1)(b) of the same act, I must also bring your attention to the fact that the Breakfast Bureau is not under any obligation whatsoever to grant access requests which may constitute a disclosure of known pulp percentage. These requests have already caused massive disruptions to my client’s business and undue duress from continued invasive questioning.

Rest assured that I hear what you’re saying, and I agree. I’m a no-pulp kind of guy too, and I wish I had a better answer to share. However, I simply cannot afford to subject my client to risk of litigation from an information breach and am unwilling to danger my burgeoning breakfast legal career by unethically revealing to you the possible percentage of pulp in the orange juice that was consumed.

May I suggest that you enjoy a Bloody Mary instead, which contains exactly 22 fl. oz. of tomato juice and 2 fl. oz. of vodka in every serving, along with 1.5 teaspoons of hot sauce. That’s less than 1% hot sauce content, a verifiable beverage fact which is legally binding — and that’s something to get really excited about.

At risk of legal action, I must implore you once more to please stop insisting my client or I inform you of the pulp percentage in this morning’s orange juice. My hands are tied in red tape. However, should you choose to escalate this matter further, I suggest filling out a PPT (Pulp Percentage Transparency) Form 8099-Q in order to file an emergency order requiring a particular restaurant establishment to disclose the percentage of pulp to any and all interested parties.

Best of luck to you, and please note that I am also unable to share with you the number of grains in our bread.

We Leave This Planet The Same Way We Arrived: Wondering Why Turkey Bacon Exists

We Leave This Planet The Same Way We Arrived: Wondering Why Turkey Bacon Exists