Morgenmete is a bi-annual satire journal exploring the absurdity of life through the setting of breakfast.

Best Coffee in Town: Reliable WiFi Edition

Best Coffee in Town: Reliable WiFi Edition

You’re probably wondering where to find the best coffee in this city, what special nooks and crannies of this metro houses some of the best kept coffee secrets. But really, what is a perfectly brewed cup of a coffee without the pairing of a lightning fast wi-fi connection? There you are, taking the first sip of your perfectly brewed latte, enjoying the sensation of the elixir of life entering your body. But then you hit refresh in Safari and not a single thing will load. It’s a complete buzzkill. Well, I’m here to spill the beans on the best coffee shops in town—but only those that have a reliable WiFi connection.

I can humbly admit to being called a coffee snob from time to time, but I actually take the label with pride. Nobody else has as keen a nose for even the most subtle aromas or puts in the leg work that I do to seek out the rarest of beans that have been roasted to absolute perfection. Beyond my enthusiasm for only the very best caffeinated brews, I only pay patronage to coffee shops that have reliable WiFi with which I may browse Facebook on my iPad for hours until I realize I’ve missed my bus home.

One of the more buzzworthy coffee shops the has emerged this year is Coffee Brewers Co. over on 6th Street, which I found myself at one morning a few weeks ago. As I took the first sip of a perfectly poured cortado, I couldn’t help but notice that their wireless connection was incredibly slow, barely loading a half a photo on my Tumblr dashboard. Immediately, I poured the rest of the cortado into the trash, where it belonged (along with their wireless connection). An impeccable cup of coffee is nothing without a stable internet connection in which to endlessly browse my social media feed to try and fill the empty void in my soul.

A hip new trend in coffee shops is nitro cold brew. It seems like practically every coffee shop in town is getting in to it, and I’m all for that. One trend I’m not as fond of? A public WiFi portal where you have to agree to Terms and Conditions in order to browse a barely functioning 2.1Mbps internet connection. It’s just bad customer service. In fact, I’ve been actively campaigning City Council for more transparency in coffee shop wireless internet speeds, including demanding the requirement for prominently placed signage that is highly readable before you even to set foot inside the building (not all heroes wear capes, I know). And don’t get me started on those domestic terrorists that create randomized 27 character alpha-numeric passwords littered with capitals and punctuation marks to access their Shit-Fi. My cold brew is practically room temperature by the time I’ve plugged all that BS into my phone.

How are customers supposed to truly enjoy the craft that goes into your meticulously brewed coffees if they are constantly troubleshooting your WiFi network in order to send over a PowerPoint deck they’re already a day late on? It’s true that we can find coffee almost anywhere, but finding a good wireless connection that only costs you the price of a cup of drip in order to sit in their coffeeshop and work all day shouldn’t feel like searching for a unicorn. Do they think we have the budget to pay for a desk at a coworking space? If so, they are sorely mistaken.

Lastly, we get to the category of coffee shops that promise a more “pure and undistracted” experience, devoid of wall outlets and wi-fi. If I want an “authentic” coffee experience, I’ll take a trip out to Joshua Tree with a cup of Folgers and a copy of Jack Kerouac’s “On the Road”. They should know that customers show up to your coffee shop for reliable WiFi first, and quality espresso second.

You can see the rest of best coffee shop picks on our website by browsing our impossible-to-use slideshow riddled with ads.

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